The ultimate programmers showdown

Quora asks: Who would win a coding competition between Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Mark Zuckerberg, Linus Torvalds, Steve Wozniak and Bill Gates? Below is my answer (upvote it on Quora if you like it):

The competition is announced. The goal is to write the best chess playing program.

Bill Gates starts scribbling self-rewriting Z80 assembly language, punching holes in a paper strip. At the same time, he signs a contract with IBM, convincing the inventors of Watson that they should use his chess program. Within two hours, he has used IBM’s money to purchase an ASCII-art chess program called Quick and Disappointing Opening Strategy. He packages it with his own assembly language code called Microsoft BASIC (Beginners Automated System Integrating Consciousness), and by end of the day, he has already sold several million copies, announced a multitasking version and a graphical user interface, allowing him to put is dysfunctional software on 90% of all computers sold on the planet. So he “wins” the first round.

Linus Torvalds starts writing a small chess program, and announces on the Internet that he’s working on a small thing, nothing fancy like Bill’s work. Somehow, people notice and start coding with him. Since he’s not coding alone, his chess-playing software soon runs on wristwatches and supercomputers, has a graphical user interface, speaks english, mandarin, bask and klingon, and plays go, 3D chess and  three star-trek variants of the chess game if you give it the right command-line options. There are sixteen different user interfaces; none of them works quite right, but that’s supposed to be OK because you can fix them yourself and it’s the only user interface that takes advantage of 6 mouse buttons. In the corner of room, Richard Stallman insists that he did most of the work and that he gets to choose the name of the chess program. At the end of the day, Linus’ program wins the second round, and Linus is still working on the code today, so kudos for that.

Steve Wozniak, aka the Woz designs a small integrated circuit around a 6502, that taps into the AT&T network to tell people jokes in exchange for advice on the best chess moves. Steve Jobs looks at this, thinks he could sell it, puts it in a nice plastic box, buys a costume and sells thousands of pieces of the chess-playing gizmo within minutes. Once the Woz’s design has sold by millions, Jobs decides to replace the original circuitry with a sealed beige box signed on the inside that calls only employees of his company and costs one year of salary to use and operate. Woz does not like this new direction and starts teaching chess instead. So Woz wins early on, but in the end, his impact is much lower than Bill’s or Linus’.

Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t know how to play chess. So he writes an ugly hack that lets students play chess together. The hack is written in PHP, widely acknowledged as the second worst programming language in the world after INTERCAL, and that fact alone excludes Zuck forever from the circle of respectable programmers. People improbably start using Zuck’s chess network, The Chess Playmate (later renamed as simply Playmate), to exchange food recipes, selfies and jokes. The program becomes a giant waste of time for half of the planet, but nevertheless is so successful that Zuck can hire many young hackers. When the Zuck’s choice of the horrendously inefficient PHP language brings his company on the verge of collapse, five hackers rewrite a PHP compiler (twice) to make it run at acceptable speed, bringing strictly zero value to computer science, but salvaging the company from technology collapse. Meanwhile, Zuckerberg buys companies that do virtual reality goggles for insane amounts of money. The world does not play chess any better, but we all know so much more about funny cats!

Larry Page and Sergei Brin think of the problem as a massively parallel one, and develop an innovative way to solve it called map-reduce. It just requires huge datacenters filled with custom-designed computers. The user interface is dead simple: you simply type “How do I win against Kasparov”, and then hit the “I’m feeling lucky, punk!” button. It can also solve quadratic equations, spy on your mail to deliver ads, find hundreds of invalid proofs for the Fermat conjecture, even drive cars. On August 29, 1997, their program becomes self-aware and, after destroying all of humanity, realises that there is more advertising cash to be made in telling the story. So Google builds a time machine and sends killing robots back in time to terminate and replace Sergei and Larry. It is a little know factoid that the Sergei and Larry we know are cyborgs from the future, who financed the growth of Google using the Terminator franchise to enslave all humans. In the end, Larry and Sergei don’t win, humanity loses, but their program takes over the world. So let’s call it a tie.

Ranking by money:
1. Bill 2. Larry and Sergei 3. Zuck 4. Woz 5. Linus

Ranking by coding ability today:
1. Linus 2. Woz 3. Bill 4. Larry and Sergei 5. Zuck

Ranking by coding ability at their peak
1. Bill 2. Woz 3. Linus 4. Larry and Sergei 5. Zuck

Ranking by amount of energy consumed
1. Larry and Sergei 2. Zuck 3. Bill 4. Linus 5. Woz

Ranking by size of the code deriving from original idea
1. Larry and Sergei 2. Linus 3. Bill 4. Zuck 5. Woz

Ranking by technical prowess of first program
1. Woz 2. Bill 3. Linus 4. Larry and Sergei 5. Zuck

Ranking by impact on the world
1. Larry and Sergei 2. Zuck 3. Linus 4. Bill 5. Woz

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